lumidescence

In just one night, I lost everything.

Everything in this world is now surrounded by things I ‘hate’.

“It might be better for Ushio to enter an orphanage… We can't really take care of him.”

“He was a much nicer kid when I met him in the past. I wonder if it's because of that fire changing his personality.”

I was once taken in by my relatives, but I was a problem child, and they made me enter an orphanage—so I also hate my relatives.

“Ushio-kun has… a bit of a difficult personality and behavior, but… I think it's natural after something like that happened.”

“I really think that he's a good kid, but… him being violent towards other kids is just a little…”

“He won't stop even if you scold him.”

I continued to push away the kids in the same orphanage and eventually got kicked out of the orphanage—so I also hate the orphanage.

With no other options, I ended up with a relative who provided an apartment and a Mama-Robot for me to live with.

“...”

“What the, it’s an old-fashioned Mama-Robot… This thing must be second-hand.”

“...”

“And it doesn't even have a talking function… I want to have the latest model, though.”

I hate the lawyer who's managing my father and mother’s inheritance because they won't let me freely use the money, saying it's ‘for my future's sake’.

I hate the weird Mama-Robot that can't even talk and does the housework without the lights on because it can move around without it.

I also hate the rehabilitation that I forcibly had to go through, even if it was painful and awful.

I also hate that I entered elementary school late.

I also hate the black school bag that I had to use after the green school bag that my father bought for me at the department store was burned during the fire.

“Waaaaaaaaaaah! Ushio-kun pushed meeeeeeeee!”

“Aah~ Shinmura-kun fell~! Ushio-kun, that's so mean~!”

“I'm telling the teacher on you!”

I also hate my classmates who point the blame at me when I barely even know them.

“Ushio-kun, how could you push someone away like that again! I heard that Shinmura-kun was just messing around and accidentally touched you from behind.”

“...”

“Shinmura-kun grazed his hands. If you've done something wrong, you should apologize. Just why did you do that?”

“I-I… told him, to stop…”

I also hate Shinmura-kun who didn't stop messing around even when I told him to.

I also hate the teacher who took the side with the person who got hurt even though I did nothing wrong.

“...That's because I hate germs.[1]”

That's how, in the end, I didn't want to tell anyone the truth.

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Since I kept pushing their friends away and hurting them, my classmates gradually stopped approaching me.

Even the teachers would always seem on edge whenever I'm around, so I became completely isolated.

That's why I really hate just about everything.

The elementary school’s rooftop, where students wouldn't really go so I could be all alone, was the only place I felt comfortable.

But, the rooftop would sometimes be too hot or too cold so I didn't like it that much.

“Haah…”

As I absent-mindedly sighed, I heard a heavy, metallic sound and the door to the rooftop opened.

“So this is where you were, Uu-chan.”

It was Muu-chan. His pretty, princess-like face was clouded with worry.

“I heard about what happened in the classroom. That the teacher scolded you.”

“...”

Muu-chan stood next to me, looking at what's beyond the fence.

As I watched the same setting sun, the two of us, for a short while, fell into silence.

“Uu-chan.”

“Hm?”

“Saying that you hate germs is a lie.”

“...”

“Could it be that you don't like being touched?”

“Tch…”

As Muu-chan spoke, he made crab-like half steps towards me.

“Is it because of the fire that changed your whole entire body’s skin—”

But he would absolutely make sure not to touch me.

“—that it somehow caused you to have problems?”

Only Muu-chan had noticed.

Being touched made my skin feel a tingling, itching sensation, which made me feel grossed out that I ended up avoiding people and pushing them away because of it.

The doctor at the hospital says it's a mental after-effect… In other words, it's ‘just my imagination’.

To put it simply, I’m talking about how I'd given up. On my relatives, on school, on getting better.

Everything that I loved turned out like this.

To the point that I also…

Really really really hate how even my own body has changed so much.

“...”

Without saying anything, Muu-chan took out two paper sumo wrestlers from his pocket.

“We might not be able to physically wrestle anymore, but we can do this.”

“...”

“Let's wrestle together again sometime. When that time comes—”

Muu-chan held out the strongest-looking paper sumo wrestler to me.

“I'd like to give Uu-chan a hug.”

“..., ...”

“Do you want to stay at my house tonight?”

I shook my head. After all, that robot would be waiting for me with the lights turned on even though it doesn't need to.

The sleeves of my sweatshirt that were wiped with my tears as I pretended to wipe my nose were changing into a pitiful color.

The sunset that seemed as if it would burn everything in this world was spreading everywhere.

I think I'll never be able to forget this day.

—End of Track 4

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Footnotes:

[1] a more accurate tl for the word "けっぺき症" would be "mysophobia" or "germaphobia" but since ushio is saying that he is けっぺき症 the tl would be like "I'm a germaphobe" and that kinda sounds weird,, ↑

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Masterlist / Track 1 / Track 2 / Track 3 / Track 4 / Track 5